YES, Empathy

With all the noise out there suggesting that empathy doesn’t, or shouldn’t, matter, let’s remember what we already know

This week I heard more than once the growing narrative that empathy is a weakness, or worse, a “sin.” Even seeing those words on the page makes me wince. The attempt to frame caring about people as a flaw or a problem comes from a place of malintent, and that’s why I value the history, research, and even pop culture that make it undeniable: caring about people matters.

It feels like such an obvious thing to say, but sometimes we need to check in and make sure we’re clear.

I’ll put my social worker hat on for a sec and just for clarity say, empathy isn’t about abandoning reason or “taking on” someone else’s pain. It’s about recognizing our shared humanity and choosing to care.

Over the last 10+ years, I’ve taught empathy in my college class—studying the latest research, reading all the new books, and having deep, thoughtful debates with students about their lives and what’s happening in the world. The most concise summary I can give is this: people challenge empathy because they think it clouds judgment, makes us soft, or gets in the way of hard decisions. But what we figure out is that this fear comes from discomfort with vulnerability or a need to maintain control. Empathy undermines systems based on control and separation, which is exactly why it’s under attack.

Calling empathy dangerous is one of the ways we normalize detachment and cruelty. Love and empathy don’t make us weak, they’re what keep us strong. They hold relationships together and help us live in community.

Occasionally I ask Todd how people can watch Star Wars and still think the choices they’re making are good ones. He always says, “Everyone thinks they’re Luke or Leia.” But do they? If people start openly demonizing empathy and uplifting dominance or harm, then aren’t they siding with the part of the Force that blows up planets?

The best movies show us that being human together isn’t our downfall, it’s our strength and the key to our longevity. Our everyday interactions do the same, reminding us to discern what we’re hearing and stay grounded in what we know to be true. If you look up at my masthead, that’s what Zen Parenting Moment is all about—the tagline is “what we know but tend to forget.”

When the world feels off, the most powerful thing we can do is return to what we know we know. Showing empathy, whether in our own homes or with people we barely know, isn’t extra. It’s foundational and how we’re wired. That kind of clarity challenges harmful norms and gives others permission to speak up, too.

I recently read about the 3.5% rule, based on the work of political scientist Erica Chenoweth, who studied hundreds of movements throughout the 20th century. She found that when at least 3.5% of a population engaged in sustained, nonviolent action, including conversations and sharing what they believe, those movements were successful in achieving their goals. I’d definitely recommend reading more about this if you're curious. It’s a good reminder that even a small, committed group can be incredibly powerful.

So rewatch Star Wars if it helps inspire you, or just remember to tell people you care about them, their well-being, their humanness. That’s really it. Just stand firm in the truth that empathy matters, and that caring for each other is how we sustain humanity and experience the joy of being alive.