Settle the Self on the Self

I’ve spent years worrying more about other people than myself, focusing more on what others thought rather than on what I needed.

Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.

- Led Zeppelin

I was reading my friend Dr. John Duffy’s recent Substack about opting out of something because he knew in his gut he didn’t want to do it, and I thought if I asked my daughters and husband who opts out the most in our family, they would probably all say, “You, Mom.”

They are right. I’m the one who doesn’t want to drive long distances for long hikes because I would rather stay home alone and write. I opt out of board games to instead watch from afar and clean the kitchen in peace. I opt out of swimming in the ocean because I’d rather walk the beach or sit and read. When I’m at a conference or workshop, I opt out of partner or group work and take a long lunch instead.

The things above that I have opted out of I have already done many, many times. I’ve hiked, played the games, swum in the ocean, and engaged in countless, I mean countless, group work sessions and deep dives with partners. Sometimes I enjoyed these experiences, but a lot of times, I just really wanted to do something else. And now that I’m older, I choose something else. I could have chosen differently before, but I didn’t know that then. Like many women of my age, I’ve spent years worrying more about other people than myself, focusing more on what others thought rather than on what I needed.

Settle the self on the self is one of my favorite Zen sayings, and while it’s usually used to describe settling into meditation, I also think about it when making decisions, or more specifically, when opting in or out. Once we settle the self on the self, choosing is not confusing; it’s just listening.

I am watching my daughters figure these things out for themselves right now in young adulthood. The only way out is through, and while they all have great gut instincts about what feels right and wrong for them, they still have to practice opting in and out, to try and fail, to say yes and regret, to say no and wonder.

Once we work these muscles and practice these skills for several decades, we get the gist and know the vibe. Yes, we can stay open to surprises and changes of heart, but for the most part, we know our likes and dislikes, and we know what feels good and what doesn’t. And for as much as I opt out, I am big on opting in. I opt into writing books, creating conferences, traveling to see bands I love, hosting a weekly podcast with my husband, doing yoga, talking with my girls, playing my drums, and sleeping.

When people feel pressured to do things, opting out can lead to feelings of shame and self-deprecation, as we entertain thoughts that we aren’t as fun or risk-taking – we hear the voices in our head from childhood telling us to follow, to do what the others are doing. But if we continue to follow those voices and never opt out, then there is no space or energy to opt into what we truly want. We miss the chance to appreciate our very own inner compass and settle into the joy of being ourselves.