The capacity to learn is a gift.
The ability to learn is a skill.
The willingness to learn is a choice.
- Brian Herbert
Weaponized incompetence gained attention on SNL’s Weekend Update last Saturday. It’s been trending on TikTok for a while, with mostly women pointing out their partners deliberately being incompetent when it comes to certain tasks, like cooking, cleaning, or childcare (especially falling asleep while 'watching' the baby), either to shift these duties back onto them or to demonstrate that they don’t think these things necessitate the time and work their partner gives them.
On our podcast this week, Todd and I talked about the difference between weaponized incompetence and genuine incompetence, and why they're both frustrating but in different ways. When incompetence is used as a ploy to avoid tasks and aggravate the other partner into taking over, it's manipulative. But there are also times when someone genuinely lacks necessary knowledge or skills in certain areas, which can leave their partner feeling frustrated, wishing they'd take the time to learn or pay more attention.
This is when someone lacking the skill has to choose: admit it and try to learn, or get defensive and blame the other for being too demanding and picky. This situation offers a chance to understand each other better, but it can also lead to arguments, where one person feels pressured to take over all the tasks to avoid conflict.
It's such a nuanced conversation, and Todd and I dedicated an entire hour this week discussing the various issues that caused us the most friction. We suggest listening to this one with your partner, but our main takeaway is that it's less about the task at hand and more about the ability to communicate effectively – over and over again. As kids grow and things change, we have to be willing to adapt, learn, and make sure that the expectation or heavy weight doesn’t fall on one person.