Virtue Signaling

Our Actions Teach What Our Words Can't

Virtue signaling is expressing support for values like kindness or fairness to gain approval or look virtuous, without actually living those values. It’s more about seeming than doing, something we all might occasionally do.

Maybe our intentions are good, but we fall short or need more education or understanding to follow through in a meaningful way. What matters most is recognizing the gap between what we say and what we do.

When we think of virtue signaling, it’s usually connected to politics and social media—the Instagram caption about kindness, the Bible verse next to a name, the photo of a book someone is supposedly reading to demonstrate what they believe or value. It’s a bummer to see how some people who present themselves online as chill, religious, virtuous, or open-minded can also post some of the cruelest and most judgmental things.

But rather than just pointing fingers at others, can we notice this disconnect in ourselves? And as parents can we point this out to our kids to help them develop their own critical thinking? In our image-driven world, we’ve gotten so used to appearances and claims of goodness that we stop noticing the gap between words and actions.

As parents, we might share quotes about compassion or self-awareness, but that won’t mean much to our kids if they don’t see it at home. They watch how we act when we’re tired. They notice if we speak critically about a spouse or friend behind their back, how we respond when someone interrupts us, or when things don’t go our way. They pay attention to whether we own our mistakes, and whether we listen when someone else is trying to make things right.

They’re not keeping track of what we donated to, what podcasts we listen to, or what books we post about. If the way we act at home doesn’t line up with what we’re sharing publicly, that stuff can actually feel performative or even cringe to our kids.

This doesn’t mean we have to get it right every time. It means being honest about the messiness of being human by owning when we’re overwhelmed or impatient, instead of blaming everyone else for needing something from us. It’s remembering that our kids are human too, and that scolding them for being moody, running late, or making a mistake can feel really unfair. We can give them the kind of grace we’d want on our own bad days.

I talk to kids and teens, and they’re usually fine with things being messy, as long as the adults can stay calm when stuff goes sideways. Kids are not looking for perfection, they’re looking for something real. They want to see us practicing what we say we value, instead of asking them to be more thoughtful, patient, or kind than we’re willing to be ourselves.

And in our partnerships and parenting, it’s not enough to say we believe in equality. Are we actually dividing responsibilities, or just saying equality matters while expecting the other person to carry more? We say we want to listen and learn, but how do we respond when our partner asks for support or points out something we’ve missed? Are we showing up with a willingness to change something or just performing agreement?

Virtue isn’t about being “good” all the time. It’s about knowing the path we want to walk, and when we get thrown off, being willing to start again and find our way back. It’s hard to walk a straight line all the time. Sometimes getting off track is what helps us see what we’re actually aiming for. And sometimes those moments help us redraw the lines altogether. Virtue shouldn’t be rigid, or it will inevitably become performative and judgmental. What it can be is a process of learning by paying attention to what matters most.

And let’s be real, virtue signaling and performing goodness can take more energy than just living with some humility and honesty. Trying to keep up the appearance that we always have it together, know everything, or are always right—it’s just too much pressure. But saying we value learning, growing, listening, apologizing, caring, and figuring things out together, those are virtues with some flexibility and honesty built into them. It’s a rhythm that feels natural and human, genuine instead of performative.