The Response to Choosing "Bear"

Things have happened to us, things have happened to our friends, we’ve seen and experienced a lot, and we are a product of this history.

It’s been a thought experiment for a couple of weeks now: a TikTok question that asks, “Would you rather be stuck in a forest with a man or a bear?” With many women answering, “bear.”

I can’t speak for all women, but I’m pretty sure those who answered "bear" were not trying to intentionally hurt the men in their lives; they were speaking from a visceral reaction to their experiences. There are reasons why women are afraid of being alone with a man they don’t know, mostly because they have had too many experiences to not be afraid.

Just two weeks ago, I was yelled at by a man in a parking lot during the day. I thought walking into Potbelly’s to get my sandwich would be enough to get him to leave, but when I went back outside, he was standing outside his car, waiting to ask me why I wouldn’t talk to him or look at him. These things used to happen all the time in my 20s or 30s, much less so in the last decade or so, but still occasionally.

My daughter and I parked in a new parking garage last weekend. It was night, so I parked as close to a light as possible and near a stairwell, even though it meant driving up a few more levels to do so. Whether with her or alone, I am always conscious of locating the exits, paying attention to the sounds around me, or noticing if people are walking behind me. I have a habit of checking my backseat before I drive anywhere, and I carry my purse over my body and my keys in my hand when walking alone at night.

These are just a few items off the list of things I have learned to do. These aren’t paranoias; they are the realities of being a woman and are like muscle memory now. Things have happened to us, things have happened to our friends, we’ve seen and experienced a lot, and we are a product of this history. That means we all have our own versions of keeping ourselves safe or being thoughtful about where we go and what we do.

We know that if something does happen, we will be questioned about why we go where we go and why we do what we do. We will be reminded that we should have learned self-defense, dressed differently, and at the very least, been more careful or thoughtful. We are told not to travel alone, live alone, or walk alone. It's not just about experiencing fear; we are explicitly told to be afraid. Then when we admit to being afraid, we're met with anger and accusations of disrespect, rudeness, and even misandry. It’s a cycle of blame that's difficult to break.

It's not just about experiencing fear; we are explicitly told to be afraid. Then when we admit to being afraid, we're met with anger and accusations of disrespect, cruelty, and even misandry. It’s a cycle of blame that's difficult to break.

If the initial reaction to hearing women say “bear” had been, “Wow, tell me why you chose bear, I think I need to understand this…” it would have created important conversations between partners and friends, most likely a deepened intimacy, but it probably wouldn’t have gone viral. What made it go viral was the anger and judgment directed at women's answers, particularly the criticism telling women why they were so wrong and stupid for choosing bear.

A conversation like this doesn’t have to make us turn on each other. As cliché as it sounds, it’s an opportunity to turn toward each other and ask, "What am I missing? What do I not understand about your life experience?" A woman telling you her story isn't asking you to take on all the blame for her pain; she is asking for compassion and understanding for what she’s experienced.

We discuss Man or Bear: Why Did It Go Viral? on this week’s Zen Parenting Radio podcast, and Todd and I are hosting a free conversation about this debate through the MenLiving platform on on Monday, May 20th at 7pm CT - open to all genders, click here to register.