The End of Discussion

How Thought-Terminating Clichés Stop Our Conversations and Undermine Real Connection

Before I wrote Restoring Our Girls, I put together a book proposal about emotionally abusive relationships, high-control groups, and cults—drawing from both my personal and professional experiences. Unfortunately, that proposal didn’t get picked up, but I knew I would share the most vital parts of it in Restoring Our Girls. Coercive relationships and manipulative conversations show up everywhere, and how we discuss them at home shapes how we confront them in the world.

Even if you never find yourself in an extreme, cult-like situation, you might still notice the subtle ways people try to influence your thinking or control a conversation. Instead of truly listening or engaging, they might use shame or embarrassment to shut down certain points, avoid asking questions to dominate the conversation, or end it altogether if things aren’t going their way. Recognizing and naming this behavior can help you stay grounded and avoid blaming yourself when a conversation feels frustrating and unproductive.

Thought-Terminating Clichés

Thought-terminating clichés and critical thinking exist on opposite ends of the spectrum—one shuts down deeper thought, while the other encourages exploration, curiosity, and discernment.

A thought-terminating cliché is a quick, often dismissive phrase designed to stop a conversation and block further discussion or critical thinking. For example, “Let’s agree to disagree” can sound reasonable, even mature—like a polite way to avoid conflict and respect differences. But it’s also used to end a conversation the moment things get uncomfortable.

When someone says, “Let’s agree to disagree”:

We can say, “I respect that. I’d still like to know more about what you think if you’re up for it.”

The same goes for “You’re entitled to your opinion.” It might sound open-minded, but instead of listening to someone else’s ideas, it gives the other person an easy way out. It lets them avoid hearing something new, often because they’d rather not deal with the discomfort that comes when new information challenges their beliefs—a reaction known as cognitive dissonance.

When someone says, “You’re entitled to your opinion”:

We can say, “I appreciate that. I’d love to understand more about your perspective, too.”

Another example that’s become more common in recent years is “Do your research.” It's a passive-aggressive way to stunt a conversation when someone doesn't agree with or share the same beliefs. Instead of offering real substance, it acts as a deflection and places the burden of understanding on the other person.

When someone says, “Do your research”:

We can say: “I’m always open to learning. What specific information do you think I’m missing?”

Thought-terminating clichés are also used for social control—phrases like “Be a team player” or “You’re overthinking it” are meant to keep people obedient and discourage questioning authority.

When someone says, “Be a team player”:

We can say, “I’m ready to be a team player, and I think discussing different ideas could really help us.”

When someone says, “You’re overthinking it”:

We can say, “I need time to think this through to stay clear-headed and find the best solutions.”

They are also built into our cultural and gender norms, like justifying poor behavior by saying “Boys will be boys” or “That’s how things have always been” instead of having an actual discussion about inappropriate behavior or equality.

When someone says, “Boys will be boys":

We can say, “Boys are learning, just like everyone else. They benefit from guidance.”

When someone says, “That’s how things have always been”:

We can say, “Traditions are meaningful, but it’s also important to ask if they are still serving us.”

A phrase like “Everything happens for a reason” might be meant to offer reassurance, but to the person hearing it, it can feel like they shouldn’t question unfairness or injustice—or even have an honest emotional response to something difficult.

When someone says, “Everything happens for a reason”:

We can say, “That might be true, but I’m not there yet.”

We even use thought-terminating clichés against ourselves to justify inaction, saying things like, “I’m just not good at this” or “That’s just who I am.” We reinforce limiting beliefs before we’ve even tried something new.

When someone says, “I’m just not good at this”:

We can say, “You are still learning this, that’s how we get good.”

When someone says, “That’s just who I am”:

We can say, “That’s how you’ve dealt with things in the past, but you can always try something new.”

Thought-Terminating Clichés that Silence Women

Thought-terminating clichés used against women usually stem from stereotypes that shut down questioning and uphold the status quo. While anyone can encounter these clichés, women and girls are often more vulnerable due to societal conditioning. We're taught to prioritize relationships, avoid conflict, and put others' needs first—creating a culture where silencing women's voices or dismissing their experiences can feel, somehow, acceptable.

For example, woman's feelings are often dismissed with phrases like “You’re too emotional” or “Calm down”—anything that reinforces the idea that their feelings are a flaw or a weakness. These clichés send the message that women are too irrational to have a real conversation, making it easy to dismiss their perspectives altogether.

When they say, “You’re too emotional”:

We can say, “It’s okay that I feel this way. If my emotions make you uncomfortable, we can take a break.”

When they say, “Calm down”:

We can say, “It would help me more if you could ask how I’m feeling or what I need.”

A thought-terminating cliché is also used to gaslight or minimize real experiences. When a woman speaks up about harmful or abusive situations, she might hear, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” or “It didn’t really happen that way.” These phrases don’t just shut down the conversation—they can make her doubt her own reality.

When they say, “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”:

We can say, “This matters to me, and I’d love it if we could talk about this without judgment.”

When they say, “It didn’t really happen that way”:

We can say, “This is definitely how I experienced it.”

When women call out something that feels sexist or harassing, they’re often met with the classic thought-terminating cliché, “Not all men.” It’s a quick and effective way to shut down any chance for real discussion about accountability or solutions. This doesn’t just silence women—it also makes it harder for everyone to recognize and address systemic issues.

When they say, “Not all men”:

We can say, “Enough women have had these experiences for it to be a real issue.”

Thought-Terminating Clichés in Parenting

Thought-terminating clichés in parenting might seem harmless or like an easy fix in the moment, but over time, they shut down curiosity and prioritize compliance over understanding. They can also leave kids feeling unheard, dismissed, and powerless.

“Because I said so” is a classic response to questions about rules. While it might seem like a quick way to reinforce boundaries, it actually teaches obedience without understanding. Similarly, “Life’s not fair” might sound practical, but to a kid, it can feel scary, invalidate their feelings, and suggest that nothing can—or should—be done.

Instead of saying, “Because I said so”:

Say, “I know this might not make sense to you—let me explain where I’m coming from.”

Instead of saying, “Life’s not fair”:

Say, “I know this feels unfair, and it’s okay to be upset. How can I support you?”

Telling kids, “You’re too young to understand,” shuts down their questions and forces them to fill in the blanks on their own—often with stories that feel even darker or scarier. A phrase like “You’ll understand when you’re older” sends the message that unfairness should be endured, not understood, and that their questions aren’t worth engaging with.

Instead of saying, “You’re too young to understand”:

Say, “This is a bit complicated, but I’ll do my best to explain. What questions do you have?”

Instead of saying, “You’ll understand when you’re older”:

Say, “You’re asking a really good question. I’ll do the best I can to answer.”

Over time, thought-terminating clichés can hurt our ability to communicate and weaken our connections. When we catch ourselves wanting to use them, we can choose to model curiosity and critical thinking instead—especially with our kids. If we want them to become critical thinkers, they need to practice with us. This helps them recognize the red flags of someone who isn’t open to real conversation, making them less vulnerable to propaganda, cult-like messaging, or abusive control.

When talking with someone who is using thought-terminating clichés, we can try to keep the conversation open by asking questions like, “Can you tell me more about why you feel that way?” or “I’d love to ask a few more questions—are you open to that?” People usually enjoy sharing their stories, and the more they talk, the more open and less defensive they tend to become. If the conversation feels stuck or starts to get contentious, it’s okay to step back. Not everyone is ready—or willing—to question their thinking, so it’s important to save our energy for those who are open to genuine, reflective conversations.