Questions That Build Trust and Connection With Your Kids

How to start meaningful conversations without pushing too hard

It’s completely normal for older kids to get irritated when you try to start a conversation. They might feel like you’re intruding on their space or asking for more than they’re ready to give. But staying in conversation with them matters. Not just to understand what’s going on, but to stay connected and show them you care.

The questions below have a less prying, less annoying tone—they’re more likely to lower defensiveness and show genuine interest rather than come across as intrusive. They’re also more open-ended, which means the conversation can go in all kinds of directions. So much of connecting with our kids comes down to tone and energy, and I still think that’s the most important part. But it also helps to have some new language and thoughtful ways to ask questions that feel genuine and not cringey.

Things to keep in mind before you jump in:

• These aren’t yes-or-no questions; they’re meant to open the door to meaningful, possibly ongoing conversations. There’s a lot of nuance here, and no need for clear-cut answers or absolutes. If your kid’s responses are all over the place, that’s not something to fix. Just listen.

• Don’t treat these like rapid-fire game show questions—they’re meant to be woven into everyday conversations. And if your kid says, “I don’t know,” that’s completely fine. They may still reflect on what you asked, and there’s no need to pressure them for an answer.

• Avoid judging their responses or telling them what they should think. Instead, be curious, interested, or even delighted by what they share.

• Don’t overdo it and back off if they’re busy or too overwhelmed. These questions might land better during car rides, while talking on the phone, over dinner, or during slower moments in the day.

• If they call you out for asking new types of questions, take it as a good sign—they noticed. You can own it and say, “I love you, and I’m always learning how to be a better listener. This is one of the ways I’m trying.”

The nine conversation starters below also work well with your partner, parents, or friends, since they aren’t necessarily kid-specific. They’re invitations to show you’re interested and paying attention.