How to Stay Connected to Emotionally Immature Parents

Without Losing Yourself or Your Well-Being

Last week, I shared some thoughts on emotionally immature parents and how their behavior shaped us, both as people and as parents (see below).

But I also want to explore how to stay in relationship with parents who remain emotionally immature as we become adults. How do we stay connected when we’re not on the same page and there’s a history of being hurt or unseen?

As a therapist, I’ve seen that when someone starts working on themselves, there’s usually a period when they feel angry at their parents for what they didn’t get. For some, it’s a brief shock or a revelation that’s quickly understood and integrated. For others, it’s a longer season of grieving or even estrangement. Whether someone literally steps away or simply takes time to sort things out in their own mind, most eventually find their way back with a clearer sense of how they want to interact and move forward in their family of origin.

So how do we do this, interact and move forward when things still feel unresolved or remain difficult? Sometimes a parent knows exactly what the harm was and can apologize and make amends with the intention to do things differently. Other times, a parent has no interest in hearing what was hard and believes there should be more gratitude and appreciation. And there are many places in between.

Relationships with emotionally immature parents can be fraught and complex. If you’re struggling with this, I recommend working with a professional to sort through what’s best for you, because there are layers and many different paths forward. There are no final answers for anyone navigating their history, but these are the eight conversations I have most often with clients who want to stay connected to their parents without losing themselves in the process: