How to Cry Without Apologizing

And How to Be With Others When Their Grief Shows Up

Last week I wrote about five ways to feel December, specifically the joy and appreciation of the season, and how to take in all the nostalgia, colors, and lights. And because all light has a shadow, this is also the time of year when we tend to feel a lot of grief. We remember the people we’ve lost, and we feel the passing of time.

Each year in our house, we put up our regular tree with all the special and homemade ornaments, and we also put up a smaller one we call the memory tree. It’s filled with pictures and reminders of the people and pets we’ve loved and lost. The other day, one of my daughters pointed out that the memory tree is getting pretty full, and she’s right.

When we’ve lost loved ones, the holiday season can bring in what feels like a blanket of grief that covers everything from start to finish. And other times it comes in waves and catches us by surprise. When we see something, hear a song, smell something familiar, or say a name we haven’t said in a while, the grief and tears just show up.

This week I was scrolling TikTok and came across a three-year-old interview with Maisie Williams talking about her childhood, and I found two things to be remarkable:

1. She had one of those waves of grief experiences that I don’t think she was expecting, but then she felt it and most importantly, didn’t apologize.

2. Then host Steve Bartlett not only made room for it, he responded with genuine care and a sturdiness that showed he could handle it.

This is a rare example of people meeting grief with acceptance and emotional intelligence. And it’s similar to what so many of us experience during the holidays at gatherings, while reminiscing, or simply remembering. Our ability to allow grief and let it come if it needs to, is such an honoring of what we’re feeling and so necessary for our emotional health.

And if we’re with someone who is having their own wave of grief, our ability to make space for it is such a gift. There’s something so generous about staying present without trying to fix it, offering a hug or sitting quietly and letting them have their experience. What a comfort it is to have feelings or cry in front of someone who’s okay with it, who doesn’t try to avoid it, or swing the other way and make a big deal out of it.

This time of year is so beautiful because it reminds us of what’s most important, and that means remembering those we’ve lost and feeling that loss. May we all be so lucky to have tears for the people we’ve loved and miss, and may we all be so lucky to have friends who understand and support us.